And I Quote . . .

Okay, I'm just getting this started, remember. Eventually I may have several different pages with different categories. But, for right now, I'm just going to have a whole big mess o' quotes I like right here.

As Winston Churchill said, "It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations" (My Early Life). And, as Shawn Smith said, "Or at least for a bored man to read a web-page or two." Have fun.

You feel great sympathy for them [homeless people]. But you also envy the extra hour of sleep that they're getting.

Tom Brokaw

I'm not dead; I'm me.

Shawn Archer
How much clearer could he make it?
Face/Off

Lance wears glasses. Captain Amazing doesn't.

The Shoveler
Explaining why Lance can't possibly be Captain Amazing
Mystery Men

This is how humans are: We question all our beliefs, except for the ones that we really believe, and those we never think to question.

Ender Wiggin
Speaker for the Dead
Orson Scott Card

Anyone who wishes to give the meaning of Scripture without taking it from Scripture is the enemy of Scripture.

Blaise Pascal

The best argument for Christianity is Christians—their joy, their certainty, their completeness.

But the best argument against Christianity is also Christians—when they are self-righteous and smug, when they are narrow and repressive. Then Christianity dies a thousand deaths.

C. S. Lewis

No good deed goes unpunished.

Micheal Flynn
"Melodies of the Heart"

Look at that! It's exactly two seconds before I honk your nose and pull your underwear over your head.

The Mask
The Mask
When asked if he knew what time it was, while consulting his watch

Unless I am convicted by Scripture and plain reason . . . my conscience is captive to the Word of God, I cannot and I will not recant anything, for to go against conscience is neither right nor safe. God help me. Amen.

Martin Luther

I stay driven 'cause there's nowhere to park. I can't shut my eyes, I'm afraid of the dark.

Steve Taylor
"Jim Morrison's Grave"
I Predict 1990

If Jesus had liked that song ["Give Me That Old Time Religion"], we'd all be in a lot of trouble.

Chris Well
7ball Magazine

I can't understand why anybody would want to devote their life to a cause like dope. It's the most boring pasttime I can think of. It ranks a close second to television.

Frank Zappa

Learn to see . . . listen . . . and think for yourself.

Malcolm x

Imagination is more important than knowledge.

Albert Einstein

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

George Bernard Shaw

Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.

Groucho Marx

He is well paid that is well satisfied.

William Shakespeare

It's not that I feel good. It's that I still can feel, that's good. And that's all that's good for now.

Model Engine
"Scarred But Smarter"
The Lean Years Tradition

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Erma Bombeck

There are three things you can do in a baseball game. You can win, or you can lose, or it can rain.

Casey Stengel

Secondhand smoke kills — shoot a smoker in self-defense.

Anonymous

A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.

George Bernard Shaw

Ninety percent of what you see when you look at someone else is yourself. Depending on how perceptive you are, the other ten percent may or may not be them.

Shawn Smith

What the hell—you might be right, you might be wrong . . . but don't just avoid.

Katherine Hepburn

I will never engage in a winter sport with an ambulance parked at bottom of the hill.

Erma Bombeck

Life's so simple when you don't know what you're talking about.

Harold Green
The Red Green Show.

We don't know a millionth of one percent about anything.

Thomas Edison

That's not a lie, it's a terminological inexactitude.

Alexander Haig
1983 TV news interview
I think this guy would get along with Clinton

People who like this sort of thing will find this the sort of thing they like.

Abraham Lincoln

Everybody talks about the weather and nobody does anything about it.

Carl Sandburg

The best index to a person's character is how he treats people who can't do him any good, and how he treats people who can't fight back.

Abigail van Buren

In many Christian book stores, the only potentially scandalous fare on the shelves is the Bible itself, whose seamy stories always manage to get by [the censors], creating the impression that it is the only book in the store not written by a Christian.

James Calvin Schaap
"Singing & Preaching"
Poets & Writers Jan/Feb 98

God is dead: -Nietzche
Nietzche is dead: -God

Anonymous Graffiti and a Reply

The English are not an inventive people; they don't eat enough pie.

Thomas Edison

If there is anyone here I have not insulted, I apologize!

Johannes Brahms
when leaving a party

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Mark Twain

Will shooting guns and making bombs make you men and not dogs?

Caine
Kung Fu

It is almost impossible to throw dirt on someone without getting a little on yourself.

Abigail van Buren

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly; it should be thrown with great force.

Dorothy Parker

Six feet of earth make us all one size.

Carl Sandburg

Reserve your right to think, for even to think wrongly is better not to think at all.

Hypatia of Alexandria

No man is good enough to govern another man without that other's consent.

Abraham Lincoln

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much — just an occasional sun visor.

Groucho Marx
You Bet Your Life

To have a right to do a thing is not at all the same as to be right in doing it.

G. K. Chesterson
A Short History of England

Don't let your opinions sway your judgement.

Samuel Goldwyn

You can fool too many people too much of the time.

James Thurber

Character is much easier kept than recovered.

Thomas Paine

Time is the storyteller you can't shut up . . .

Carl Sandburg

For years, we have thought that a million monkeys typing at a million typewriters would eventually produce the complete works of Shakespeare. Today, thanks to the Internet we know this is not true.

Anonymous

Who is this "Anonymous"? He sure gets around.

Doug Torrance

The Bible says that Satan appears as an angel of light—no mention of fangs or strange glowing eyes. I am wary of people with plastic smiles & false sincerity. Are these the true images of demons?

Galacticus Sarcophagus

You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Al Capone

We're all gonna die . . . someday.

Shawn Smith
Yes, I'm quoting myself.

Anyone who goes to see a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

Samuel Goldwyn

The Sixth Amendment states that if you are accused of a crime you have the right to a trial before a jury of people too stupid to get out of jury duty.

Dave Barry

Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality the cost becomes prohibitive.

William F. Buckley

I hate quotations. Tell me what you think.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

Harry Truman

Cursing and swearing is a vice so mean and low that every person of sense and character detests and despises it.

George Washington
%&*#@ right too!

And her eyes are floating.
And her soul is sinking.
But her lips keep striking poses.

the Julies
"Blue"
Lovelife

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

Groucho Marx

The best way to destroy your enemy is to make him your friend.

Abraham Lincoln

We didn't crawl out from under no rocks. We didn't have no tails. And we didn't come from monkeys, you athiestic pinko meathead!

Archie Bunker
All in the Family

Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who did not hear the music.

Angela Monet

The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.

Mark Twain

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Alfred Hitchcock

You don't get harmony when everybody sings the same note.

Doug Floyd

Few men have the virtue to withstand the highest bidder.

George Washington

People who treat other people as less than human must not be surprised when the bread they have cast on the waters comes floating back to them, poisoned.

James Baldwin

There is no spoon.

Neo
The Matrix

Sometimes it's better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness.

Terry Pratchett
Men At Arms

The best things in life are free. And the cheesiest things in life are free with a paid subscription to Sports Illustrated.

Johnny Carson

[My father] convinc'd me that nothing was useful which was not honest.

Benjamin Franklin
The Autobiography, Part I

Whenever you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.

Harry Truman

It's no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase "As pretty as an airport" appear.

Douglas Adams
The Long Dark Tea-time of the Soul

That seems to point up a significant difference between Europeans and Americans. A European says: "I can't understand this, what's wrong with me?" An American says: "I can't understand this, what's wrong with him?"

Terry Pratchett

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

Mark Twain

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.

Martin Luther King Jr.

Go away . . . I'm alright.

H. G. Wells
Last words

"Sodomy non sapiens," said Albert under his breath.
"What does that mean?"
"Means I'm buggered if I know."

Terry Pratcett
Mort

People are okay taken two or three at a time. Beyond that number they tend to choose up sides and wear armbands.

George Carlin

Abortion is advocated only by people who have themselves been born.

Ronald Reagan

It was when Lucifer first congratulated himself upon his angelic behavior that he became the tool of evil.

Dag Hammarskjold

A thief believes everybody steals.

E. W. Howe

Life is like wrestling a gorilla. You don't stop when you get tired, you stop when the gorilla gets tired.

Anonymous

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

August Strindberg

It was a morning just like any other morning — in the Sinai Desert — 1200 B.C.

Steve Taylor
"Cash Cow"
Squint

Nothing pains some people more than having to think.

Martin Luther King Jr.

Never learn to do anything. If you don't learn, you'll always find someone else to do it for you.

Mark Twain

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

Johnny Carson

I think there's an immense shortage of Christian charity among so-called Christians.

Harry Truman

I never walk into the light unless I know who threw the switch.

Dime Store Prophets
"Feels Like Rain"
Love is Against the Grain

I don't care what is written about me as long as it isn't true.

Katherine Hepburn

Why yes—a bullet-proof vest.

James Rodgers
Before a firing squad, asked if he had any last requests

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.

Leo Tolstoy

Things are more like they are now than they ever have been

Gerald Ford

You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad.

Aldous Huxley

We don't care if we get rich or famous in this band, and so far the whole world is playin' right into our hands.

This Train
"We're Getting Nowhere (Fast)"
Mimes of the Old West

Her name was Eilene,
Loved her like no other woman
I could tell her anything.
She's my mom.

Left Out
"Two Girls and a Guy"
Pride Kills

There's no money in poetry, but there's no poetry in money either.

Robert Graves

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Woody Allen

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.

Dave Barry

All the laws in the world won't stop one man with a gun.

Det. Lt. Mike Stone
The Streets of San Francisco

Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.

Dan Quayle

Philanthropy is commendable, but it must not cause the philanthropist to overlook the circumstances of economic injustice which make philanthropy necessary

Martin Luther King Jr.

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